


Deliverance

by superscavenger



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Mentions of Abby - Freeform, Mentions of Kane - Freeform, mentions of Bellamy, mentions of raven - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3549254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superscavenger/pseuds/superscavenger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke cannot take it anymore.  She's exhausted, riddled with guilt, and everything is becoming too much.  The voices in her head hate her as much as she hates herself. Except for one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deliverance

**Author's Note:**

> I felt the need to write some angsty Clexa today.

Walk.  Walk. Walk.

Keep walking until your feet bleed.

It’s what you deserve, isn’t it?

You cannot stop now.  You walk further on.  

Camp Jaha is miles behind you.  Long gone. A distant memory. 

You remember Bellamy’s kind words -

‘If you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you. You’re forgiven.’ 

_Forgiven._

You cannot be forgiven.

The bodies that littered the hard floor of Level 5 flood your mind again.  It’s sickening.

The death you brought upon them was not even painless.  

Maya. 

Jasper’s face as he realised you were the one who killed the girl he loved. 

_Oh, God._

What have you done?

The screams pierce the forest deeper than any spear that hits the ground.  You cannot help it.  You are so full of horror, guilt, death. 

You sink to the ground and grit your teeth, and you scream.

_You bear it so they don’t have to._  

Dante’s words drill a hole through your skull and lodge themselves in, so fitting to your own people. 

There is no going back to them now.

You saved them, but at the ultimate price.

_Victory stands on the back of sacrifice._

You are left seething from Lexa’s voice in your mind.

_Clarke._   

And now it’s in, gnawing at you.  Even when she says your name in your head the betrayal she committed hits you like the Ark hit the ground.

You ball your fists in the leaves and dirt, throwing them wildly and you shout, hating yourself for what you’ve done and the emotions it throws upon you. 

You kept your cool for so long, it must have been 60 miles, and now it’s all exploding in your head -

_Clarke._

There it is again.

The Commander’s voice, soft, unlike before.

When she left you. 

Your anger at her rises again, but you know you can’t really be angry at her.

You made the same choice. 

You left a nation to rot.

‘Clarke!’

You look up.  The voice has not been in your head as you thought, but in front of you all along. 

She’s standing only 10 metres away, surprise and what looks to be sadness spilling from her eyes.  She’s not wearing her warpaint any more, and her braids aren’t pulled up viciously but flowing down her sides.  She looks beautiful, and you hate it.  

You may have made the same choice, but you still hate her for hers. 

You run at her.  She doesn’t anticipate that you’ll be strong, and you’re not, not really.  

She lets you bring her down to the ground, but easily overpowers your viciously unstable attack. 

You try and claw at her but she pins your shoulders to the ground as she sits on your hips, steadying herself.  You see that she’s fighting tears.

‘You left me! You left them!’

You know you shouldn’t be saying this.  After the terrible act you’ve committed, you’ve no reason to do so. 

But you can’t help it. 

‘You left them to die!’

‘I did what you would have done!’ 

Hearing it from her stops you dead in your tracks.

There is a moment of silence, and of a mindless stare. 

You crack. 

You sob like you’ve never cried in your life, like all the sadness in yourself has been waiting to escape forever. 

You can’t deal with the world anymore.

Lexa climbs off you and lets you roll into the ground, your arms covering your face as you release shoulder-jerking cries. 

If you weren’t sobbing so hard you would see the tears leaking down Lexa’s cheeks.

It’s almost five solid minutes until you come back to the real world.  Although it doesn’t seem like all that much time in the grand scheme of things, it’s forever for you.  The girl who doesn’t really cry. The ground has this effect, you conclude.

You turn around and Lexa is kneeling next in front of you, not asking for any kind of attention. 

She’s just there. 

There for you. 

You look at each other for a a few seconds, casting your mind back to those long stares that you shared during war council meetings, and your kiss that was too soon in the Commander’s tent. 

Despite her choice to abandon you, you understand.  

Because you did something almost identical. 

You both saved your people at a price. 

You are mad at her, but one day, you’ll want her the way you did before this mess.  

It’ll take time.

‘I killed them, Lexa.’

‘Clarke -’ 

‘They’re dead. The Mountain Men.  I irradiated Mount Weather and they died.’

‘How did it come to that?’

She scoots a little closer so she’s sat next to you, and she doesn’t look at you as she waits for an answer.  

‘Cage wouldn’t give up.  Bellamy got me and my friend into the control room.  We took Cage’s father with us.  I tried to bargain with Cage but he wouldn’t let up.  So I,’ you pause to take a breath, and your voice cracks again.  ‘I shot him.’

Lexa doesn’t even flinch.  Why would she, she’s seen death time and time again.  She’s been the cause of it, too.

‘They kept drilling them all.  They were putting them on a table, and they were drilling them. They killed Fox.  They drilled Raven to the point where she almost died.  They drilled my Mom, Lexa.’

You start to cry again, and Lexa does look at you now.  You only know because you can feel her eyes on you, looking down at your head in your hands. 

‘I threatened him.  I gave him a chance to stop.  Kane tried to bargain with him too.  Said we’d donate.  Cage didn’t even flinch.  He just ordered them to start drilling into my mother.’  The bitterness in your voice flares up.  Lincoln had told you on the way back to Camp Jaha that he’d finished him.  You thought best not to bring up Lincoln, since he did abandon the Woods Clan for the Sky People. 

‘I had no choice.  I had to.  But then I walked through the room filled with innocent bodies and I hated myself.’

‘Victory stands -’

‘On the back of sacrifice, I know.  But if it makes me feel like this, Lexa, if this is what being a leader feels like, I don’t wanna do that anymore.’

‘I know how you feel.’

You look back up at her, throat still thick with tears, voice still hoarse for screaming. 

‘We’re not so different.’

Lexa just shakes her head slowly.  She reaches out for your hand but you have other ideas.  You never normally let people see you this vulnerable, and you’re sure the Commander feels the same way.  You lie down, your head in her lap and you face away from her, looking at the forest floor. 

You think for a split second that she might push you off, hate you for making her feel weak, but she doesn’t. 

She pulls you up, and you move with her so that she’s holding you in her arms, your head on her chest, and she leans against the adjacent tree. 

‘I am sorry for what I did, Clarke.’

‘I know.’

You both stay silent for some seconds.

‘Where are we?’

You can’t help but ask. 

‘We about a mile out of TonDC.  I leave for Polis tomorrow.’

That makes you shiver.  You don’t want Lexa to leave, but you know she has to.  You don’t understand.  You haven’t forgiven her but you care more about her now than ever before. 

‘I wasn’t the only one who needed space..’

You hear her whisper her agreement.

You simply hold on tighter.

‘One day we will earn our deliverance, Clarke. But it will take time.’

You close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the forest - you prefer this to the sound of the voices in your head.

‘I hope so, Lexa.’

‘Come to Polis with me, Clarke.’

You sit up and face her, seeing the sincerity in her eyes.

Seeing Lexa does remind you somewhat of the choices you made those few days ago.  But you know that she is not one of yours to protect - she is the leader of her own people.  She bears her own conscience. 

Maybe you can get over the horrors of your past decisions in Polis. 

Maybe you can earn your deliverance through being with Lexa and fashioning yourself a fresh start, leaving those you saved at a cost to theirs. 

You could be free with her.  Maybe you can be free. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr at uselesslesbiancommander. I like prompts.


End file.
